How do I look 

I became truly disabled by the time I was 20. I was prescribed a cane and got a handicapped parking permit. People would be cruel to me because I am an attractive girl ,and they would see me and think I had stolen someone’s handicap parking permit. You cannot tell someone is disabled just by looking at them.


I was walking with a walker when the above picture was taken when I was 33


I was twenty-seven when the above picture was taken. I walked with a cane.

I was 36 years old when the above picture was taken in Mexico. I was permanently in a wheelchair. Three weeks later my hair fell out from chemotherapy.


Three weeks later I lost all my hair, and I look  like the above picture. In all of these pictures I am a permanently disabled American citizen. But the way you look ,is the way people see you. People don’t even think about who you are on the inside. Do not let this bother you, friends. We can not help, as human beings ,to see the outer shell first. Every time you see this outer shell ,remember that the enercell may not be so pretty. May not be so healthy. May not be so cruel. Always send a smile and a happy face to any stranger. For we are all brothers and sisters. As a true humanitarian I will always assume that your inner self is kind. Until you prove me otherwise then you can go fuck yourself. I have learned in life that you cannot depend on that outer shell. It doesn’t mean anything.

Peace and love Laurelin 

Yin and yang

I am watching the third Matrix movie. Yes, I know the really, really awful one. Opposite of Neo the agent are battling. Evil vs. Good. Black versus white. Of course it is a movie and do you no good always triumphs evil. Real life however is not always so clear. People like to say there is no black or white but we live in the gray. I have always disagreed with this statement. Everything in nature has an exact opposite. Including you. In German, they call it a doppelganger. They say that in the world everyone has someone that looks just like them. Perhaps this is your opposite. The question is are you black or are you white? You cannot but be both Gray. All those people would like to think so, in nature it does not work that way. There is always an opposite for everything. For terrorism we battle empathy and love. Everything has an opposite. What will you opposed today? Will you be black or will you be white? You cannot live in the grey. It is not a option.

Why not me?

I am in the process of writing a memoir. I have my birth to Age 4 written. And I have from 1998 to the Present written. It is a story about my journey with multiple sclerosis and with addiction. Believe it or not I have had a very interesting life. It will be a fun read. As I am writing it I find myself questioning, why not me? I know we always question about God and why we are here. Writing my story makes me wonder ,why not me? I have had many friends die of addiction. I had a friend murdered on the day I was supposed to be with him. I have lost two boyfriends to addiction. I have seen terrible things and have had terrible things done to me. But I am still here. And I wonder, why not me? Why have I been so lucky to survive so many incidents that should have killed me. Multiple sclerosis has lead  me down very dark paths, but it has never killed me. Why not me? There has to be a reason. I just can’t be one of those people who thinks life is just full of coincidences. I believe there are no coincidences in life. So again I ask myself,  why not me? I think a person could go crazy wondering about this question every day. It is just like why am I here? Is there a God? Why do bad things happen to good people? We will never get the answers to these questions. Maybe in the afterlife. If you believe in an afterlife. I am sure everyone has pondered these questions. Why have I been so lucky? I will never know. All I can do is make the best of the time I have left here on Earth. Perhaps I am just lucky. Perhaps I am here to share my journey with multiple sclerosis and addiction with all of you. Perhaps I am here because a bunch of Atoms  spinning around just happened to spend the right way and create me. Perhaps I was meant to be here. Perhaps I have a soul and that soul will never die. Perhaps we are just a mass of material left over from The Big Bang Theory. Perhaps there is no perhaps. Why not me? I think the answer to all of these questions are.. don’t question. Just live. And live the best life you can with what you are given. Why not me? Perhaps. …

Anonymous meetings be long and groups not in social media

http://wp.me/p4QvKS-oO

You must be careful on social media. If they are not people that you know personally 50% of them are close to that  are liars. Anyone ever seen the show Catfish? I have been tried to be catfished I think four or five times. Although I am not a teenager so I know I’m being catfished and I fuck with them for a little while before I tell them I know you’re catfish. Depending on what I look like in my profile picture I also have had three people from Nigeria try to get money from me. They always have terrible English and call you dearie or sweetie or lovely. One guy told me he lived in Italy but was from Dallas Texas. I told them your English is terrible you don’t sound like someone from America and if you live in Italy right now say something in Italian. He did not respond for a day. After this silly back and forth when I’m for about 2 days I finally told him I know you speak Tanzania and I know you are from Nigeria I am not stupid I looked at your profile picture and saw all your friends were from Tanzania or Nigeria. He then admitted that he was a refugee and needed help getting out of where he lived for a better life. Now I’m all for people wanting a better life but you don’t scam other people to get there. I’ve told him make a Facebook fund me page maybe you’d raise money that way. She told him you obviously have Facebook why don’t you sell your phone or your computer. Or better yet why don’t you just get a job. He is still have the guts to ask where I live and if he could crash at my house. You gotta be kidding me? I said to him I did not block him though I simply called him on his bluff and told him to never contact me again and he never did. Now this has happened to me this many times just with my simple profile on Facebook imagine how many predators are on those anonymous groups seeking out people with low self-esteem that they can take advantage of. Just be careful my friends

Peace and love Laurelin