What else can you take from me?

I have had multiple sclerosis for well over 20 years. I have had multiple sclerosis for a longer than half of my life. Every time I have a new attack I would look up at the ceiling and ask. What else can you take from me Lord? And I would always regret doing this for he would later on take something else from me. I have gotten stem cells and things seem to be getting better. And they are. I am much stronger. And they appear to be working on some level. However right now my eyes shake back and forth. I cannot see anything straight on. When I went blind in one eye it was less horrible than this is. When you go blind you just can’t see. This is cruel. You can see. But you really can’t. You cannot read. I cannot read the words I am saying right now into a microphone. So you have to forgive me on my grammar. They also cause me to have severe migraines. A permanent headache all the time. The cruelest part of all is wondering if your stem cell transplant really helped. I know that it has helped my body in so many ways.. I have this other despair that perhaps they didn’t help as much as I was hoping. I guess I should be happy I am not completely blind. For and looking over this blog I see a couple errors. However I am in no way can fix them because my hand shake and I cannot touch the word. This is such a cruel disease I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. Okay that is a lie I would totally wish it upon my worst enemy. Lucky for me I do not have any enemies. I do wish that my vision would come back. And then Monday my husband is making me call the neurologist. I have been putting it off because calling my neurologist is it mitting that I still have new multiple sclerosis symptoms. I’m hoping I can blame my optic neuritis which I was diagnosed with due to multiple sclerosis.. my husband just came in the room and told me the name of my eyes twitching. I can’t think of it right now as I write this but one of the remedies for it is a drug called baclofen. Which I am I now and have been for a while. Another drug which treat said it’s called Neurontin. I was on Neurontin for 13 years and was taken off of it by my neurologist for making my eyes go cross. You cannot help but laugh. So the treatment that I need for my eyes is the same medicine I went off of because it was affecting and hurting my eyes. I hate this damn disease. I hate it more than anything. I can’t say that it is killing me slowly anymore it is simply just making my life on livable. I always try to find the good in everything. But right now I am really struggling guys. I mean really. How can the treatment be the problem? My disease makes no sense. At least when you have a certain cancer it makes sense. You have cancer cells. They’re either benign or malignant. But when you have multiple sclerosis. A disease that is a disease. Your own body is attacking itself and it does not make any sense. I know there are a ton of errors and this blog. I hope it makes sense to some of you. I know my voice application has picked up the wrong words for certain words but there is nothing I can do about it. I do apologize my friends. I simply have to send out my EDD grivation into the void of the world. There has to be a purpose for everything right? Well I call Big that b*******. There can’t possibly be a purpose for this terrible disease. Well if you have gotten this far reading it then you’ve done better than I have. Because I cannot see any of the words I have written. Peace and love to you all my friends. Let us hope my eyes will someday stop twitching. If I get lucky I’ll wake up and be missing an arm. I think that would be easier to accept. No I take that back every time I say something like that something bad happens to me. So I just sent this out into an empty void and I remind you to love yourselves and love your eyes. But not if they shake back and forth. You are better off blind. Take it from me I have been blind before and I know this to be true.

Post hsct stem cells 1 and 1/2 years

Many people have a misconception about stem cells. They think that you are going to walk off the plane and be walking. I can now walk with a walker because of stem cells but unfortunately the reality is I will probably never walk on my own again. This does not mean that stem cells have not worked. I continue to be much stronger. I can continue to move my right leg. My right leg had become totally useless and paralyzed. Yes I still use a commode. But I never need help from my husband getting on or off of it or in or out of that. This is a huge success. My multiple sclerosis will never go away. What stem cells have done is stopped the progression of my disease. When I was 18 years old I was told by doctors that I would probably live to around 50. Anything after that would be a blessing. Because of stem cells I now look forward to watching my daughter grow up. I now look forward to living a full life with my husband. Yes I will always be handicap. But knowing that you possibly have another 30-plus years and you is amazing. So they say that you do not see the full results of your transplant for 3 years. So at the halfway mark I am at peace and happy with my success. Anything else is just icing on the cake. Stem cells probably will not do too much more in the way of reversing the damage multiple sclerosis has caused. However it has given me life. I look forward to living a long life with my family. A life that I in no way we would have had without stem cells. To you and to all my followers and readers out there. Remember that there is always hope in the world. Never lose Faith In Yourself faith in a higher power and faith that things can get better and any Endeavor you are trying to achieve. Peace and love to all of you my friends

Early menopause

Sucks. It just stinks. Because I had high-dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplant it made me infertile. Basically menopause. No I do not want to have any more children. But a at age 37 knowing that I have no prospects really stinks. I did not think it would bother me as much as it does. My husband found my insurance card that’s only for pregnancy prevention items and it made me cry. Because he put it back in my wallet. I then mention to him that I cannot have any more children. It seems crazy to me that I am so bothered by the fact that I won’t get cramps every month and be miserable anymore. But when you take away what makes you a woman it does nothing but make you feel Unpredictable and kind of worthless. I guess I just was ready for this. I knew infertility was probable but I deep down did not think it was possible. I guess it is God’s way of letting me know for sure that I am only meant to have my one Miracle child. It makes me appreciate her so much more. It makes me want to protect her so much more. She is my lineage. Without her my relatives on especially my maternal side cease to exist. She is so special and so wonderful. I need to just be grateful for the fact that I was able to carry one child. And let go of the fact that there will be no other children in my book of life. Wait…. Grand children!

The pen is mightier than the sword

Words can hurt. Words have power. I am always telling my daughter to be very careful with the words she uses because they have power. I try to never swear other than on my blog. I try to be very delicate with my wording. I often lose control and blow off steam when I should not. But I am always the first to admit wrongdoing. This goes for other people too. People do not know how much their words hurt me. I stick 2 them and everything they say. There is one thing my father has always said to me that has always stuck with me. When you give a gift you should not expect anything in return. You should just feel good about giving the gift. I must admit I have been having some troubles with my multiple sclerosis. troubles happen it painful when I think I have let people down. It is even worse when they tell me I have basically let them down. I have no control over my body. People think that because I occasionally smoke a cigarette that it is the reason for my body not working. This is absolutely not true. The two have nothing to do with each other. And I used to smoke marijuana like crazy and I gave it up a long time ago. I try to stay as healthy as possible but stem cells are not overnight fix. I feel like I have let people down that I have taken out loans for me to get themselves or have invested money in my go fund me page. I have seen amazing results but I still do have bad days. When I do have these bad days I do not need to hear negativity. It only makes things worse. I must stay in a positive frame of mind. And I certainly don’t need to be reminded of how much people have tried to help me. If the shoe was on the other foot I would do the same thing. With the exception of the cruel words. Sometimes people don’t even realize that they are being cruel. I understand this. It is not only human nature but it is frustrating for other people as well. I know so many people. People that have thought I would see overnight Improvement. It does not work that way. It takes years. My brain needs to grow new neural Pathways in order for certain nerves in my body to work again. It is frustrating for not just me but the people who have tried to help me. But even when I try to explain this to people they don’t seem to understand. I feel lost in this fog of emotion. The pen is mightier than the sword. You might as well be stabbing me in the back with your words that cut me down. But I must remain positive. I must be steadfast and believing that stem cells are going to work throughout the years. I must not given to the daggers of other people’s words. So I tell all of you my friends to be careful what you say. I know I am human and I slip up to. Or try to walk in the other person shoes. It is a lot harder than people think. Peace and love and good health to all of you my friends.