Early menopause


We must always remember to be grateful for the little things.


Early menopause

Sucks. It just stinks. Because I had high-dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplant it made me infertile. Basically menopause. No I do not want to have any more children. But a at age 37 knowing that I have no prospects really stinks. I did not think it would bother me as much as it does. My husband found my insurance card that’s only for pregnancy prevention items and it made me cry. Because he put it back in my wallet. I then mention to him that I cannot have any more children. It seems crazy to me that I am so bothered by the fact that I won’t get cramps every month and be miserable anymore. But when you take away what makes you a woman it does nothing but make you feel Unpredictable and kind of worthless. I guess I just was ready for this. I knew infertility was probable but I deep down did not think it was possible. I guess it is God’s way of letting me know for sure that I am only meant to have my one Miracle child. It makes me appreciate her so much more. It makes me want to protect her so much more. She is my lineage. Without her my relatives on especially my maternal side cease to exist. She is so special and so wonderful. I need to just be grateful for the fact that I was able to carry one child. And let go of the fact that there will be no other children in my book of life. Wait…. Grand children!

The pen is mightier than the sword

Words can hurt. Words have power. I am always telling my daughter to be very careful with the words she uses because they have power. I try to never swear other than on my blog. I try to be very delicate with my wording. I often lose control and blow off steam when I should not. But I am always the first to admit wrongdoing. This goes for other people too. People do not know how much their words hurt me. I stick 2 them and everything they say. There is one thing my father has always said to me that has always stuck with me. When you give a gift you should not expect anything in return. You should just feel good about giving the gift. I must admit I have been having some troubles with my multiple sclerosis. troubles happen it painful when I think I have let people down. It is even worse when they tell me I have basically let them down. I have no control over my body. People think that because I occasionally smoke a cigarette that it is the reason for my body not working. This is absolutely not true. The two have nothing to do with each other. And I used to smoke marijuana like crazy and I gave it up a long time ago. I try to stay as healthy as possible but stem cells are not overnight fix. I feel like I have let people down that I have taken out loans for me to get themselves or have invested money in my go fund me page. I have seen amazing results but I still do have bad days. When I do have these bad days I do not need to hear negativity. It only makes things worse. I must stay in a positive frame of mind. And I certainly don’t need to be reminded of how much people have tried to help me. If the shoe was on the other foot I would do the same thing. With the exception of the cruel words. Sometimes people don’t even realize that they are being cruel. I understand this. It is not only human nature but it is frustrating for other people as well. I know so many people. People that have thought I would see overnight Improvement. It does not work that way. It takes years. My brain needs to grow new neural Pathways in order for certain nerves in my body to work again. It is frustrating for not just me but the people who have tried to help me. But even when I try to explain this to people they don’t seem to understand. I feel lost in this fog of emotion. The pen is mightier than the sword. You might as well be stabbing me in the back with your words that cut me down. But I must remain positive. I must be steadfast and believing that stem cells are going to work throughout the years. I must not given to the daggers of other people’s words. So I tell all of you my friends to be careful what you say. I know I am human and I slip up to. Or try to walk in the other person shoes. It is a lot harder than people think. Peace and love and good health to all of you my friends.

 good MRI

I recently had an MRI for my multiple sclerosis. I have had one every year or every other year for 20 years. For the first time I got back MRI results that are good. I have no new multiple sclerosis brain activity. I do have a few lesions that are little bit larger than my last MRI. But my last MRI was in 2014. So they are only bigger because I  haven’t gotten one for 3 years and the multiple sclerosis was getting worse until 2017 in December. So this scientifically proves that stem cells work! It has totally stopped the progression of my disease. If I had not gotten stem cell treatment I would have eventually be bedridden. But that’s what the pharmaceuticals companies want. That is why stem cells are not legal for Progressive multiple sclerosis in the United States. There are only a few doctors in America giving stem cells treatment for their illness. Stem cell treatment has a high risk for living your life. However, the ones that are giving out in America has had many fatalities. Going to Mexico for this treatment was the best thing I have ever done with my life. Having my daughter is the first thing. However , without stem cells I would not be able to get out of bed to be with her. She has already noticed that I am so much stronger and I am able to enjoy play with her. We play board games. Play with dolls. Play school. And it has made such a huge difference in my family’s life. Since before Christmas my daughter has been complaining, something that she calls frustrated feet My husband took her to he doctor and he reported that there was nothing physically wrong with her. I have all along thought that this was a frustrated mental thing. And that most of it was due to the fact that I wasn’t around to be her mother for the past two years. There is nothing better than seeing your child’s eyes light up just because you can play Connect 4 with her. She did the other night complain of frustrated feet and it showed that what I thought was the truth.  she didn’t understand what the results said.. She thought that it meant I’m not going to get any better. After we explained that mommy still probably will get even better I just have to wait for new neural Pathways to grow. Which can take years. But with a wonderful family ,and a positive attitude I have no lack of faith and I believe that one day I will walk with a cane again. You can’t even put into words how happy and excited I am with this news. Since I’ve been home for Mexico one year, my husband has not had to pick me up and put me on the bed. He also used to help me on and ooff the commode. He has not had to do this at all and we are getting older and his back couldn’t take it much longer. I also wear underwear now and not depends. Most people wouldn’t be willing to share this information. But what a miracle I have had I want to scream it to the world. I have faith that new neural Pathways will grow. I will have much more good recovery. I  names my daughter faith because I have so much faith in the joy to come and that she would be beautiful my one and only child.

My OBGYN 8 years ago told me it would be dangerous for me to carry a child as I would have a severe multiple sclerosis attack after. Unfortunately he was correct. When my daughter was only 5 months old I became paralyzed from the waist down she was so young at 5 months she did not remember I ever drove. That I ever could pick her up. And that I could not go do fun stuff with her outside because the air often made me sick and I would just get too worn out. She is such a sweet little girl and she has so much empathy her heart.

I am so blessed to have the friends and family I have. They have given me so much hope. Plus they’ve raised $54,000 for my treatment in Mexico. I still can’t walk. And I still often use a wheelchair out. But I really would be totally eventually paralyzed from the neck down. My disease was progressing so quickly this treatment was my only hope. I hope for all of you if you have multiple sclerosis or many other diseases you seek out treatment in another country. Because our country wants you to keep living off the pharmaceutical companies. I know for me I take many many pills everyday. I do take less since my stem cell treatment. I have just been on medication so long sometimes I start to ask myself if I even need them or people just want to make money. I can’t wait for new neural Pathways to grow. For the first time in a very long time I have so much hope for tomorrow. I just have so much joy that I know this disease isn’t going any further. Even if I don’t get any other good results just knowing that it’s stopped the progression makes it worth the money. Peace and love- Laurelin 🌻