Pain & the kiss of death

I can’t even explain the pain.

If I tried you would go insane.

I’m already there and it’s not a fun place.
I just can’t lie anymore and put a smile on my face.

I try to stay connected and worried about Humanity

But  really I’m just hiding the feelings of me. 

I think I would rather be shot or stabbed

I’ve already tried being a lab rat and my blood long ago labed 

Over 10 years ago I had it shipped across the Coast.

For a few years they kept in touch, now I just feel like I’m part of a comedy club roast

Did my blood make a difference? Did being Lab Rats for all the new medications matter?

Just poison me with Mercury. I’m as crazy as the Mad Hatter.

You may think I’m feeling sorry for myself but I’m not.

The truth is I am positive it hurts worse to be shot.

I’m on that hamster wheel over and over and going insane.

With Who and what do you trust it? When no one wants to hear you complain. 

So I wear my mask and I tried to wear it with pride.

But the pain is so intense I feel like I’m dying inside.

Do not cry for me. Or feel bad for me. If you want to you can pray.

I will never give up I Will Never Surrender. But I’m done with the higher power for today.

I’m selfish you say. I must wait for the miracle you say.

I just don’t know if I can do this day after day.

Most of my old friends have OD’d been murdered or have died

I’ve got this sobriety thing down but I’m miserable and I lied.

All those times at gunpoint around pistols in the Bronx with Joe

How I made it home at 3 a.m. alone I don’t know.

Now he is dead .and you saved my life. There has to be a point I’m still here right?

Maybe the trail of dead boyfriends I left was supposed to give me some sight.

Every day I wait and I wait to know,

Why Travis and not me? He was so kind and tender just a little slow

I almost was there when he was murdered you see

Everyday I question why it was someone else and not me

Then my dear John who drank himself away.

I wish I could go back in time. Shake them all and say,

This was not supposed to be how it went.

What is the purpose? Pain is all that you have sent.

Sometimes I wish to join you all in heaven for I miss all of you and there’s no pain there.

I Know Your all up they’re laughing at me because I have so much more pain to share

So I am the kiss of death. And this is the price I pay.

I will try to go on for one more damn day

I know I will. For I am a coward. And I am stubborn and Unbreakable

I awoke from the nightmare of addiction only to live another nightmare that’s unwakeable.

Please no sweet comments I don’t need them I just sometimes need to be down.

Even happy humanitarians sometimes need a frown. 

Try to pass on the love I know that it is there.

I only have so much I need for some others to share.

Peace and love Laurelin