At the mercy of others

No means no unless you change your mind. But sometimes no means yes. Sometimes yes means Maybe. In my house these words are true unless you are me. If you are me then your words don’t mean anything at all. Because you cannot function on your own. I cannot drive. I cannot walk. I cannot have any independence of my own for I am truly always stuck at the mercy of others. In 2018 I died twice. My heart stopped beating twice and I had CPR preformed on me twice and the hospital I first went to Lourdes Hospital worked on me for 10 minutes. I am told today you don’t work on anyone for that long once your heart stops. I don’t know if I am lock key or if they just felt bad for me because I am so young. That is supposed to be lucky not lucky by even now I am at the mercy of a voice application so you have to forgive me if anything gets written in wrong. I don’t understand why God decided to bring me back to life only to have me suffer the same way I did before. At the mercy of everyone else. My will not be done but will be done depending on other people’s well. Apparently God feels that people need to exist in the world like Me Maybe to make people appreciate what they have. But I don’t think that is the case. I think people just feel sorry for me. And I don’t want people to feel sorry or pity me. For I am a very educated woman. I have a dual bachelor degree in English and secondary education. I am not just some dumb broad. But I feel like I am a loser No means no unless you change your mind. But sometimes no means yes. Sometimes yes means maybe. In my house these words are true unless you are me. If you are me than your words don’t mean anything at all. Because you cannot function on your own. I cannot drive. I cannot walk. I cannot have any independence of my own for I am truly always stuck at the mercy of others. In 2018 I died twice. My heart stopped beating twice and I had CPR pre formed on me twice and the hospital I first want to Lourdes Hospital worked on me for 10 minutes. I am told today you don’t work on anyone for that long wants your heart stops. I don’t know if I am lucky or if they just felt bad for me because I am so young. That is supposed to be lucky not lock key by even now I am at the mercy of a voice application so you have to forgive me if anything gets written wrong. I don’t understand why God decided to bring me back to life only to have me suffer the same way I did before. At the mercy of everyone else. My will not be done but will be done depending on other people’s well. Apparently dad feels that people need to exist in the world like me maybe to make people appreciate what they have. But I don’t think that is the case. I think people just feel sorry for me. And I don’t want people to feel sorry or Petty me. For I am a very educated woman. I have a dual bachelor’s degree in English and secondary education. I am not just some dumb broad. But I feel like I am a loser. I feel like my words don’t matter. I feel like no is always whatever that person wants it to be. If I say no and the person wants to me beats then they just make it or maybe. This blog is all messed up. I see one spot where it says my dad and I don’t know why because I’m in no way talking or thinking about my father but my voice application must of messed up somewhere. See I can’t even get my own blog to do what I want. So no is yes today and yes is Maybe. And maybe always has the chance of turning into a no. I don’t really have a say in anything. My heart stopping being proved that to me. Having my kidneys stop working for a month or so also helped in that I never want to be on dialysis again and I do so appreciate those kidneys. I asked so appreciate swallowing. I had to learn to swallow all over again and boy it really sucks when you can’t eat or drink anything except for what they stick through a tube. At one point I had a tube in my stomach and they would just stick this match looking stuff into my stomach dad smash Mash there we go stupid voice app they would stick whatever into my stomach and I would feel full but it was pretty disgusting. I guess I’m just going to have to live my whole life at the mercy of others. And between you and me it is a lot of bullshit. I am 38 years old and I am quite a lovely lady. I’m kind I’m good luck in I’m an educated and I am pure shit out of luck. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Why can’t I stop myself from wandering this giant mystery of life that I know I will never get answered because I’ve been dead. When trust me there was nothing beautiful after death it was just nothing. I hope there is something greater in the Beyond because right now just really sucks. Thanks for listening to my mind ramble I just needed to. Not that anyone is reading this. But I am as I write it and at least that is worth something. this blog is all messed up. I see one spot where it says my dad and I don’t know why because I’m in no way talking or thinking about my father but my voice application must have messed up somewhere. See I can’t even get my own blog to do what I want. So no as yesterday and yes is maybe. And maybe always has the chance of turning into a no. I don’t really have a say in anything. My heart stopping meaning proved that to me. Having my kidneys stopped working for a month or so also health in that I never want to be on dialysis again and I do so appreciate those kidneys. I also appreciate swallowing. I had to learn to swallow all over again and boy it really sucks when you can’t eat or drink anything except for what they stick through a tube. At one point I had a tube in my stomach and they would just stick this mess looking stuff into my stomach that smash match there we go stupid voice app they would stick whatever into my stomach and I would feel full but it was pretty disgusting. I guess I’m just going to have to live my whole life at the mercy of others. And between you and me it is a lot of bullshit. I am 38 years old and I am quite a lovely lady. I’m kind I’m good luck in I’m adjectives and I am pure shit out of luck. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Why can I stop myself from wondering this giant mystery of life that I know I will never get answered because I’ve been dead. Wouldn’t trust me there was nothing beautiful after death it was just nothing. I hope there is something greater in the Beyond because right now just really sucks. Thanks for listening to my mind ramble I just needed to. Not that anyone is reading this. But I am as I write it and it least that is worth something. Peace and love me

What else can you take from me?

I have had multiple sclerosis for well over 20 years. I have had multiple sclerosis for a longer than half of my life. Every time I have a new attack I would look up at the ceiling and ask. What else can you take from me Lord? And I would always regret doing this for he would later on take something else from me. I have gotten stem cells and things seem to be getting better. And they are. I am much stronger. And they appear to be working on some level. However right now my eyes shake back and forth. I cannot see anything straight on. When I went blind in one eye it was less horrible than this is. When you go blind you just can’t see. This is cruel. You can see. But you really can’t. You cannot read. I cannot read the words I am saying right now into a microphone. So you have to forgive me on my grammar. They also cause me to have severe migraines. A permanent headache all the time. The cruelest part of all is wondering if your stem cell transplant really helped. I know that it has helped my body in so many ways.. I have this other despair that perhaps they didn’t help as much as I was hoping. I guess I should be happy I am not completely blind. For and looking over this blog I see a couple errors. However I am in no way can fix them because my hand shake and I cannot touch the word. This is such a cruel disease I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. Okay that is a lie I would totally wish it upon my worst enemy. Lucky for me I do not have any enemies. I do wish that my vision would come back. And then Monday my husband is making me call the neurologist. I have been putting it off because calling my neurologist is it mitting that I still have new multiple sclerosis symptoms. I’m hoping I can blame my optic neuritis which I was diagnosed with due to multiple sclerosis.. my husband just came in the room and told me the name of my eyes twitching. I can’t think of it right now as I write this but one of the remedies for it is a drug called baclofen. Which I am I now and have been for a while. Another drug which treat said it’s called Neurontin. I was on Neurontin for 13 years and was taken off of it by my neurologist for making my eyes go cross. You cannot help but laugh. So the treatment that I need for my eyes is the same medicine I went off of because it was affecting and hurting my eyes. I hate this damn disease. I hate it more than anything. I can’t say that it is killing me slowly anymore it is simply just making my life on livable. I always try to find the good in everything. But right now I am really struggling guys. I mean really. How can the treatment be the problem? My disease makes no sense. At least when you have a certain cancer it makes sense. You have cancer cells. They’re either benign or malignant. But when you have multiple sclerosis. A disease that is a disease. Your own body is attacking itself and it does not make any sense. I know there are a ton of errors and this blog. I hope it makes sense to some of you. I know my voice application has picked up the wrong words for certain words but there is nothing I can do about it. I do apologize my friends. I simply have to send out my EDD grivation into the void of the world. There has to be a purpose for everything right? Well I call Big that b*******. There can’t possibly be a purpose for this terrible disease. Well if you have gotten this far reading it then you’ve done better than I have. Because I cannot see any of the words I have written. Peace and love to you all my friends. Let us hope my eyes will someday stop twitching. If I get lucky I’ll wake up and be missing an arm. I think that would be easier to accept. No I take that back every time I say something like that something bad happens to me. So I just sent this out into an empty void and I remind you to love yourselves and love your eyes. But not if they shake back and forth. You are better off blind. Take it from me I have been blind before and I know this to be true.