change the world together
change the world together
I am one of the luckiest women I know on Earth and I have a terrible disease. But by God I am alive.
I went to rehab kicking and screaming when I was I think 27. I may have been 26. I have to be honest when you get sober you are not really sober for about 3 years. Your brain is pure confusion and you are left with the feeling that you are lost. Truly you are lost. Because you don’t know anyone that is sober anymore. It is hard to stay sober when everyone you know is an addict. I knew for a long time that I needed Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous because of the show intervention. I was a complete crackhead. The only reason that I got sober was because I lost my crack house in the flood. Was then forced to live with my mother. And she could no longer deny the fact that her daughter was a complete mess. When I finally went to rehab myself a sex addict. This could not be further from the truth. The counselors taught me that my addiction simply made me promiscuous. I still remember like yesterday a counselor telling me that he was on to me. In a room filled with my peers he proclaimed that I was one of the most manipulative and it’s he’d ever had. He said when he came to work and saw me for the first time he even wanted to reach out and help this poor little lost lamb. I was no lost lamb. I was the lion. I used to people. I abused people. And yes then I would lose people. I have had so many boyfriends come and go that I don’t remember all their names. I stole their money. I used them for drugs. Then I learned in rehab that they were using me right back. I was a very attractive 20-some year old. I thought I had the world at my fingertips. The truth was the world held on to me. I didn’t really learn much and Rehab except that the same as everyone else there. In concept for me that was new and frightening. I had such a great opinion of myself. The truth is I was a joke. Unfortunately not a very funny joke. Rehab made me use a walker as they would not let me use a cane. I had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis for 10 years yeah I truly had no symptoms. I would walk with that Walker to make people feel sorry for me. And it worked. Even the counselors were fooled. The joke was on me though because ten years later I was wheelchair-bound. I guess you could say I got what I deserved. Or perhaps I just knew what was coming and was in denial. Either way I was a manipulative little bit. I was a little bit of nothing but a drug addict. But I thought so highly of myself. I had a boyfriend who was 13 years my senior. And I was lucky enough to learn how to make crack from him. Before I met him I was snorting lines but the invention of crack to me was a pure treasure. Over 10 years sober thinking about it now I still feel butterflies in my stomach. I do not think I could say no to the substance if someone offered it. So I learned to stay away from people who would offer it. Crack let me down skid row zallies and took all of my money. It took part of my brain. It made my multiple sclerosis worse. And to this day after over a decade I still love that evil substance. I have a wonderful Sober Family. I have a wonderful daughter. And I wish I could say the truth is I stay sober for her. But this is not true. I stay sober because I stay away from those people. If I was living the same life I used to she would surely be taken away from me by her father. I met my husband when I was one year sober and he could not believe that I got a windfall of thousands of dollars when I got disability and I spent it all on crack cocaine. I spent it all in one month. I finally hit rock bottom and came crawling back to Alcoholics Anonymous where I truly found sober friends and got my act together. But the beginning of my journey getting sober was with rehab. It was with The Sweet Sound of my mother telling me to go to rehab or go live on under a bridge. The sad thing is I thought about living under a bridge. I was a little bit of nothing but a drug addict but I thought so highly of myself I had a boyfriend who was 13 years my senior and I was lucky enough to learn how to make crack from him before I met him I was snoring lines but the invention of cracked to me was a pure treasured over 10 years Silvers thinking about it now I still feel butterflies in my stomach I do not think I could say no to the substance if someone offered it so I learned to stay away from people who would offer it cracked let me down get rose a lease and took all of my money it took part of my brain it made my multiple sclerosis worse and to this day after over a decade I still love that evil substance I have a wonderful silver family I have a wonderful daughter and I wish I could say the truth is I stay sober for her but this is not true I stay sober because I stay away from those people if I was living the same life I used to she would surely be taken away from me by her father I meant my husband when I was 1 years sober and he could not believe that I got a windfall of thousands of dollars when I got disability and I spent is all on crack cocaine I spent it all in one month I finally hit rock bottom and came crawling back to Alcoholics Anonymous where I truly found friends and got my act together but the beginning of my journey getting sober was with rehab it was with the sweet sound of my mother telling me to go to rehab or go live under a bridge the sad thing is I thought about living under a bridge that is how destructive my addiction was I am still in love with cocaine today even though I have a decade under my belt. I apologize for any grammatical error in this blog. I wrote it very quickly using a voice application as I can no longer type. I know that my story is not much different from any of the people that I went to rehab with. But it is a story I must unfortunately live with. Today I am not only sober but I got stem cells to stop the progression of my multiple sclerosis. It worked the disease has stopped progressing. Unfortunately the damage is already there. But hopefully new neural Pathways will grow and I will see more success. I look back on my days as a crackhead and it was a completely different person. I like to think that my life started when I met my husband. I do not like to look back at my past. I cannot believe the things I have seen and done. I cannot believe the people I have known that have died so young. And I ask myself why I was chosen because by All Rights should be dead. I’m one of the lucky ones God God I am one of the lucky ones now with multiple sclerosis extremely bad I still feel I am one of the lucky ones I did not die I have money in the bank account and I have a beautiful family it all started with one word. Rehab
We must always remember to be grateful for the little things.
Sucks. It just stinks. Because I had high-dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplant it made me infertile. Basically menopause. No I do not want to have any more children. But a at age 37 knowing that I have no prospects really stinks. I did not think it would bother me as much as it does. My husband found my insurance card that’s only for pregnancy prevention items and it made me cry. Because he put it back in my wallet. I then mention to him that I cannot have any more children. It seems crazy to me that I am so bothered by the fact that I won’t get cramps every month and be miserable anymore. But when you take away what makes you a woman it does nothing but make you feel Unpredictable and kind of worthless. I guess I just was ready for this. I knew infertility was probable but I deep down did not think it was possible. I guess it is God’s way of letting me know for sure that I am only meant to have my one Miracle child. It makes me appreciate her so much more. It makes me want to protect her so much more. She is my lineage. Without her my relatives on especially my maternal side cease to exist. She is so special and so wonderful. I need to just be grateful for the fact that I was able to carry one child. And let go of the fact that there will be no other children in my book of life. Wait…. Grand children!
Unless you have lived under a rock for the last few years you have probably heard of the television show The Walking Dead. At one time it was my favorite show. During the first season one of the writers said something that was so true. He told people that we all know how it will end. Meaning everyone must die. And real zombie shows everyone that must die. Humanity is not triumphant over zombies. I have always been obsessed with apocalyptic stories and design B. Today’s The Walking Dead has many different groups of people. Instead of following just a few storylines they have introduced all these new people making their own new Utopias. The problem with this is that I should be seeing more new zombies. Humanity is never triumphant in zombie story. It really makes me angry. The writers knew they had to kill off people so they killed off people while introducing more people. This is not a real zombie story. In a real zombie show everyone must die. So I no longer watch The Walking Dead. It has simply gone to such unbelievable storylines. So the walking dead is dead to me. Maybe a new zombie show will come out. But if there is one make sure everyone dies. Because in a real zombie story humanity is not Triumph in over the zombies.