There is an after

https://laurelinobrien.com/2019/02/17/there-is-an-after/ I apologize for the duplications in this blog. I cannot control my voice application. But I hope that this blog can be a comfort to all of you. There is an afterlife. Do not be afraid of death. It is just a part of life.

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There is an after

After my heart stopped beating, and I was in a coma, I had many different experiences in my mind. I had many dreams that became my reality. For a long time I could not distinguish what was not real and what was real. 4 months I had to ask my husband if this happened or if it was in my mind. One of these strange things that happened, I am sure was real. I was in the ICU. However it was like a tent as if I was in the Civil War in a civil war Hospital. It was white. The top and the sides of the room were white like white sheets. I was in there lying in my hospital bed, when very strange things began to happen. For one, the doctor is taking care of me we’re not doctors that I had ever seen. None of them seemed concerned with me or anything that I tried to other to them. They were very focused on keeping me alive. There was a priest in the room. He was reading me my last rights. He had a son duras blooming voiced that no matter how hard you try not to listen, his words resounded in your head. I wanted to scream at him that I was still alive. But I was not ready to die. I did not know that my heart had stopped being and technically I was already dead. He ignored my looks of Wonder and continued to spell off his rhetoric. I realize now that this was not a real place. Although I did struggle with my husband in telling him it was so real. The priest had no legs. He was simply a torso and the head hovering high above me while he recited his rhetoric. My husband told me to listen to what I was saying and it would tell me that it was not real. After my heart. Feeding, and I was in a coma, I had many different experiences in my mind. I had many dream that became my reality. For a long time I could not distinguished what was not real and what was real. 4 months I had to ask my husband if this happened or if it was in my mind. One of these strange things that happened, I am sure was real. I was in the ICU. However it was like a tent as if I was in the Civil War in a civil war hospital. It was white. The top and the size of the room wear white like white sheet. I was in there laying in my hospital bed, when very strange things began to happen. For one, the doctor is taking care of me we’re not doctors that I had ever seen. None of them seems concerned with me or anything that I tried to other two them. They were very focused on keeping me alive. There was a priest in the room. He was reading me my last right. He had a thunder assuming boys that no matter how hard you try not to listen, his words resulted in your head. I wanted to scream at him that I was still alive. But I was not ready to die. I did not know that my heart has stopped being and technically I was already dead. She ignored my looks of Wonder and continued to spell off his Frederick. I realize now that this was not a real place. Although I did struggle with my husband in telling him it was so real. The priest had no legs. He was simply 8 or so and ahead hovering high above me while he recital his rhetoric. My husband told me to listen to what I was saying and it would tell me that it was not real. But he told me that he thought perhaps I was experience thing and after life experience. I believe that my husband was correct. This was a place that was not Earthly yet not in a place like heaven either. It was a strange experience in between Earth and somewheres else. I don’t know how to explain it otherwise. It was so real that I struggle with believing that this moment was in my head. I truly believe it was not. The doctors working on me, we’re not Earthly. I do not know if they were Angels or what they were but they were something. I had no heartbeat when I had this experience. I truly believe that it was after life. It was so surreal that I cannot forget it. I truly feel that this experience was to tell me that there is an afterlife. Something that I have struggled with for my entire life. Whether you believe it is just energy. Or Heaven or Hell. Or what you want to believe there is something greater than ourselves. It was very comforting to me. And now I am no longer afraid of death. For I have already died and I have come back. I know there is in the after. What it is I cannot tell you. I believe it is different for everyone. If I had been Jewish the priest probably would have been a rabbi. Whatever these strange unearthly doctors were, they were there to help me. It was not my time yet. And I came back. But I am left with the feeling that I almost Miss. I miss being in the after. But I have so much in this life to look forward to. And my daughter is only 8 years old. She needs a mother. So I came back. And I believe it is my duty to share with others my experience. Take from it what you want. For me it was a blessing and comfort. I believe that my husband was correct. This was a place that was not earthly yet not in a place to like heaven either. It was a strange experience in between Earth and somewheres out. I don’t know how to explain it otherwise. It was so real that I struggle with believing that this moment was in my head. I truly believe it was not. The doctors working on me, we’re not asleep. I do not know if they were angels or what they were but they were something. I had no heartbeat when I had this experience. I truly believe that it was after life. It was so surreal that I cannot forget it. I truly feel that this experience was to tell me that there is an after life. Something that I have struggled with for my entire life. Whether you believe it is just energy. Or heaven or hell. Or what you want to believe there is something graders than ourself. It was very comforting to me. And now I am no longer afraid of death. For I have already died and I have come back. I know there is an after. What it is I cannot tell you. I believe it is different for everyone. If I had been Jewish the priest probably would have been a rabbi. Whatever’s these strange on earthly doctors work, they were there to help me. It was not my time yet. And I came back. But I am left with the feeling that I almost missed. I missed being in the after. But I have so much in this life to look forward to. And my daughter is only 8 years old. She needs a mother. So I came back. And I believe it is my duty to share with others my experience. Take from it what you want. For me it was a blessing and comforting. There is an after. Do not this may. There is something greater than your early body. I see that my blog is beginning to duplicate itself. Now back on this Earthly plane, I am left to deal with a voice application that constantly screws up. I apologize to you, my friends, I hope you did read this and you can see what I am trying to say even through the duplications. Hopefully someday I can type again. But until them I am left to be at the mercy of my voice application. I love you all and I hope that you can appreciate that death is nothing to fear. It is a comfortable place. It is not something we should fear. There is an after.

hath no fury

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. This is absolutely true. But is even more true than this statement is that Hell hath no fury like a woman pissed off. I am that woman. Ever since I died last year over the summer, people have been telling me how to live. Isn’t the whole point of not dying so that you can live your life as you see fit? Apparently not according to the rest of the world. Everyone and their grandmother seems to know how I should live my life. I have heard how I should eat. I have heard that I should not smoke. That I should not vaporize. That I should not drink. That I should not do anything that is not fit for other people. I have had enough. All of these people have their own faults. They don’t seem to bring up what is wrong with their lives but they are apparently all knowing when it comes to mine. I am pissed off. I have had enough. I thought the whole point of God bringing me dead back from the dead was that I could live my life. But I can’t live my life. I can only live the life that other people seem to be fitting for me. I have had enough. I am pissed. But I continue to live my life under other people’s thumb. I cannot drive. So I can’t get in my car and go for a drive to cool off. I cannot walk. So I cannot go outside and go for a walk to cool off. I am left with my pissed-off state with nothing left but my blog and my opinion and my thoughts. Probably others would have a problem with all of those two. Too as in also not the number. Sorry about that. I cannot type either so I am forced to be at the mercy of this horrible voice application. Didn’t I escaped death so that I can live my life the way I see fit? He’ll have no fury like a woman scorned. This is absolutely true. But is even more true then this statement is that hell has no fury like a woman pissed off. I am that woman. Ever since I died last year over the summer, people have been telling me how to live. Is it the whole point of not dying so that you can live your life as you see fit? Apparently not according to the rest of the world. Everyone and their grandmother seems to know how I should live my life. I have heard how I should eat. I have heard that I should not smoke. That I should not leave her eyes. That I should not drink. That I should not do anything that is not fit for other people. I have had enough. All of these people have their own fault. They don’t seem to bring up what is wrong with their lives but they are apparently all knowing when it comes to mind. I am pissed off. I have had enough. I saw the whole point of God bringing me that back from the dead was that I could live my life. But I can’t live my life. I can only live the life that other people seem to be sitting for me. I have had enough. I am pissed. But I continue to live my life under other people’s some. I cannot drive. So I can’t get in my car and go for a drive to cool off. I cannot walk. So I cannot go outside and go for a walk to cool off. I am left with my pissed off date was nothing left but my blog and my opinion and my side. Probably others would have a problem with all of those too. Too as in also not the number. Sorry about that. I cannot type either so I am forced to be at the mercy of this horrible voice application. Didn’t I escaped death so that I can live my life the way I see fit? I am 38 years old. Am I not old enough to decide for myself what is right to do? I see that my voice application has repeated my slots and I apologize also for that I do not know why it just did that so I guess you just have to read what I was thinking twice. Life is not going so well for me. I often feel like I shouldn’t have even woken up. I feel like what is the point? Is the point to do what everyone tells you to do? Because if that is the point trust me I get the message. I am so sick of people telling me what to do. I cannot take it anymore. I am about to lose my mind. Can someone please tell me what to do? But then there is the problem isn’t it? I am asking you for help but in doing so I would still be taking what someone else says and living my life according to their words. I want to live my life by my words. By my thoughts. By my feelings. Do you ever feel like this? Do you feel totally and utterly not in control of your own life? If so let us try to help each other. I will tell you right now don’t live for anyone else. Live for yourself. I give myself that advise but it goes in vain. I don’t know how to fix things anymore. I used to be the strongest person that I know. Now I have no idea who the hell I am. Because I have so many voices telling me who I am and who I am supposed to be. I haven’t even written a poem since I had my heart stopped beating over the summer. I just seem to not be able to write. I don’t think that I have writer’s block, I think that it is more than that. I think that I don’t have my own life anymore. When you don’t have your own life you are left at a place where you can’t be very creative. Creativity has gone out the window. Along with everything that everyone tells me is bad or wrong for me in my life now. I have had enough. I am pissed off. Hell hath no fury like a woman pissed off. Sooner or later I am going to explode. I am going to tell people just what I think and that I have had enough. Wait a minute. Now that I think of it. I think I just did that writing this blog. So hopefully maybe one of those people will read it. Sometimes I wonder though if anyone reads my blogs. At least I get it out. I may not have anyone to listen but at least here I can express myself. No one seems to want me to express myself anymore. And I have had enough. When someone like me finally puts their foot down and declares they have had enough bad things happen. So to ensure that these things don’t happen bad I write a blog about my feelings and I send it out into the void. And I tell all of you, my friends, to live your life for yourself. Don’t live your life under the thumb of anybody.. I don’t know how to fix things anymore. I used to be the strongest person that I know. Now I have no idea who the hell I am. Because I have so many voices telling me who I am and who I am supposed to be. I haven’t even written a poem since I had my heart stop beating over the summer. I just seem to not be able to write. I don’t think that I have riders Block, I think that it is more than that. I think that I don’t have my own life anymore. When you don’t have your own life you are left out of place where you can’t be very creative. Creativity has gone out the window. Along with everything that everyone tells me is dad or wrong for me in my life now. I have had enough. I am pissed off. Hell has no fury like a woman pissed off. Sooner or later I am going to explode. I am going to tell people just what I think and that I have had enough. Wait a minute. Now that I think of it. I think I just did that writing this blog. So hopefully maybe one of those people will read it. Sometimes I wonder though if anyone reads my blog. At least I get it out. I may not have anyone to listen but at least here I can express myself. No one seems to want me to express myself anymore. And I have had enough. When someone like me finally puts their foot down and declares they have had enough bad things happen. So to ensure that these things don’t happen bad I write a blog about my feelings and I send it out into the void. And I tell all love you, my friend, to live your life for yourself. Don’t live your life under the sum of anybody. Because life is meant to be a lesson. And you certainly can’t learn it if you are too busy being told what the lesson is by others. Don’t want up like me. I pissed off 38 year old woman. I see that my blog has decided to duplicate itself again. I can’t even make my life work with a voice application. So I apologize to you again my friends. Fuck my life. I am done. Sorry you had to read things over and over and over again to get to this point. I cannot control my voice app when it does that. Fuck my life. Do I really have control over anything?

At the mercy of others

No means no unless you change your mind. But sometimes no means yes. Sometimes yes means Maybe. In my house these words are true unless you are me. If you are me then your words don’t mean anything at all. Because you cannot function on your own. I cannot drive. I cannot walk. I cannot have any independence of my own for I am truly always stuck at the mercy of others. In 2018 I died twice. My heart stopped beating twice and I had CPR preformed on me twice and the hospital I first went to Lourdes Hospital worked on me for 10 minutes. I am told today you don’t work on anyone for that long once your heart stops. I don’t know if I am lock key or if they just felt bad for me because I am so young. That is supposed to be lucky not lucky by even now I am at the mercy of a voice application so you have to forgive me if anything gets written in wrong. I don’t understand why God decided to bring me back to life only to have me suffer the same way I did before. At the mercy of everyone else. My will not be done but will be done depending on other people’s well. Apparently God feels that people need to exist in the world like Me Maybe to make people appreciate what they have. But I don’t think that is the case. I think people just feel sorry for me. And I don’t want people to feel sorry or pity me. For I am a very educated woman. I have a dual bachelor degree in English and secondary education. I am not just some dumb broad. But I feel like I am a loser No means no unless you change your mind. But sometimes no means yes. Sometimes yes means maybe. In my house these words are true unless you are me. If you are me than your words don’t mean anything at all. Because you cannot function on your own. I cannot drive. I cannot walk. I cannot have any independence of my own for I am truly always stuck at the mercy of others. In 2018 I died twice. My heart stopped beating twice and I had CPR pre formed on me twice and the hospital I first want to Lourdes Hospital worked on me for 10 minutes. I am told today you don’t work on anyone for that long wants your heart stops. I don’t know if I am lucky or if they just felt bad for me because I am so young. That is supposed to be lucky not lock key by even now I am at the mercy of a voice application so you have to forgive me if anything gets written wrong. I don’t understand why God decided to bring me back to life only to have me suffer the same way I did before. At the mercy of everyone else. My will not be done but will be done depending on other people’s well. Apparently dad feels that people need to exist in the world like me maybe to make people appreciate what they have. But I don’t think that is the case. I think people just feel sorry for me. And I don’t want people to feel sorry or Petty me. For I am a very educated woman. I have a dual bachelor’s degree in English and secondary education. I am not just some dumb broad. But I feel like I am a loser. I feel like my words don’t matter. I feel like no is always whatever that person wants it to be. If I say no and the person wants to me beats then they just make it or maybe. This blog is all messed up. I see one spot where it says my dad and I don’t know why because I’m in no way talking or thinking about my father but my voice application must of messed up somewhere. See I can’t even get my own blog to do what I want. So no is yes today and yes is Maybe. And maybe always has the chance of turning into a no. I don’t really have a say in anything. My heart stopping being proved that to me. Having my kidneys stop working for a month or so also helped in that I never want to be on dialysis again and I do so appreciate those kidneys. I asked so appreciate swallowing. I had to learn to swallow all over again and boy it really sucks when you can’t eat or drink anything except for what they stick through a tube. At one point I had a tube in my stomach and they would just stick this match looking stuff into my stomach dad smash Mash there we go stupid voice app they would stick whatever into my stomach and I would feel full but it was pretty disgusting. I guess I’m just going to have to live my whole life at the mercy of others. And between you and me it is a lot of bullshit. I am 38 years old and I am quite a lovely lady. I’m kind I’m good luck in I’m an educated and I am pure shit out of luck. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Why can’t I stop myself from wandering this giant mystery of life that I know I will never get answered because I’ve been dead. When trust me there was nothing beautiful after death it was just nothing. I hope there is something greater in the Beyond because right now just really sucks. Thanks for listening to my mind ramble I just needed to. Not that anyone is reading this. But I am as I write it and at least that is worth something. this blog is all messed up. I see one spot where it says my dad and I don’t know why because I’m in no way talking or thinking about my father but my voice application must have messed up somewhere. See I can’t even get my own blog to do what I want. So no as yesterday and yes is maybe. And maybe always has the chance of turning into a no. I don’t really have a say in anything. My heart stopping meaning proved that to me. Having my kidneys stopped working for a month or so also health in that I never want to be on dialysis again and I do so appreciate those kidneys. I also appreciate swallowing. I had to learn to swallow all over again and boy it really sucks when you can’t eat or drink anything except for what they stick through a tube. At one point I had a tube in my stomach and they would just stick this mess looking stuff into my stomach that smash match there we go stupid voice app they would stick whatever into my stomach and I would feel full but it was pretty disgusting. I guess I’m just going to have to live my whole life at the mercy of others. And between you and me it is a lot of bullshit. I am 38 years old and I am quite a lovely lady. I’m kind I’m good luck in I’m adjectives and I am pure shit out of luck. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Why can I stop myself from wondering this giant mystery of life that I know I will never get answered because I’ve been dead. Wouldn’t trust me there was nothing beautiful after death it was just nothing. I hope there is something greater in the Beyond because right now just really sucks. Thanks for listening to my mind ramble I just needed to. Not that anyone is reading this. But I am as I write it and it least that is worth something. Peace and love me