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Amends

One of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is to make amends whenever possible unless it will hurt someone. I have been sober of everything except for prescribed medication for over 10 years. Today I made amends by writing a letter to someone and apologizing for something that happened over 8 years ago. I still very much dislike this person. But I must say a weight was taken off my shoulders. It does not mean in any way I will ever forgive this person for the wrong doings that they have done to myself and my family. But I made amends for my own heart. For my own sanity I had to admit my fault. I must admit this person has done far more harm to me and my family. But I did wrong too. And it in no way makes what I did all right. I swore to myself that at the start of this January I would try to be a better person. To be the best person that I can be. Now that I am a mother of a seven-year-old. I want to set a good example for my daughter. How could I set a good example when I was harming someone else? This letter that I wrote to a certain person I’m sure has long been forgotten. But it really pissed that person off. It was uncalled for and I needed to right my wrong. I must say that it truly does feel much better to apologize when it’s so much easier to hold on to the Hate in Your Heart. Believe me I am very good at holding a grudge. It is the Carpathian Russian and me. We can hold onto a grudge like it’s no one’s business. But a grudge does nothing except for hold you down. It is a waste of energy. There is so much in this world that you can invest your energy into that isn’t black. I don’t want to live with any negativity in my aura or my life. So I chose to apologize although I have been wronged very deeply by this family. I never thought that I would feel so good about apologizing to this person. So I share this with you my friends. If you can do right by someone then you are doing right to yourself. It truly is a miraculous thing. After all the help I got getting stem cells in Mexico for multiple sclerosis I need to live in the light. Not in the Darkness. For the darkness you cannot see it. It keeps you blind from who you really are. I hope you will all shine brightly. And live in the light. For it is far too dark to live with negativity. Just let go of it. I finally realize that making amends is not just for that person but it is really for your own well-being. Hopefully I will not have to make amends to anyone in the future. Hopefully I can continue to walk in the light. Because when you’re walking and negativity and darkness all that happens is you walk into a wall. And let’s face it it hurts a lot when you walk into a wall. Keep your eyes open and walk in the light of positivity. I hope and doing so my stem cells have a better chance of growing new neural pathways. I dream my body will someday be cured from this horrible disease. But if multiple sclerosis is the path that I am meant to live with at least I will know I am living with it truly feeling that I have done the best I could possibly do. And that’s all we can really hope for in this world. Be the best you that you can be

, peace and love Laurelin 🌻

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My first amendment

I love the First Amendment. But I am the first to admit that I often abused it for my own means and motives. I am raw with the First Amendment and I am naked and bare with the First Amendment. I know I should always use my blog for humanitarian issues. For starvation and all the terrible things that happened to so many children in this world. But I will face the facts. I do not always use it for good means. Sometimes I am simply pissed off or angry at a person. And yes I have used their names in a blog or a poem. And most would say that I should not do this and it is wrong. To this I say oh well. I get angry. Most people do. Most of the country was stupid enough to put Donald Trump into office I feel that I can be dumb enough to sometimes use people’s name in print. Anything I write is my opinion. Whether or not it is about a real person or a unicorn or a alien it is my right. I love the First Amendment. I guess I take advantage of the First Amendment sometimes. But I’m more often use it for good. I’m more often draw attention to things that are happening to other human beings that should not be happening. I try to be a tree loving hippie and the true humanitarian. But sometimes it is simply not possible. I am only human. I get pissed. But I pay for this website so I can get pissed once in awhile.. I wanted to take back everything I have ever said about anything anyone if I know that it would create peace on Earth. But let us all face facts. Peace on Earth is never going to happen as long as human beings have human nature. So here I am with my bare First Amendment. I am often brutal. I am often cruel. But I will not apologize. It is who I am and I have original sin just like the rest of you. It does not mean that I don’t love you any less. The truth is if I hate you. Then I actually love you. For I think there is a fine line between love and hate. Sometimes I wonder if there is a line at all. It can become very blurry. But again I say I will not apologize to anyone or anything for my opinion. I will apologize to the Dolphins I should be writing about that get caught in the Nets. I will apologize to the trees that get chopped down. I will apologize to all the children out there who are starving or abused. But I am sorry all of the people I have written about ever I will never apologize to you. For multiple sclerosis has left me unable to walk. But it is still left me with my boots. And These Boots Were Made for Walking. And that’s just what they will do. And yes someday These Boots just might walk all over you. Peace and love and peace on Earth. I hope someday it happens for on that day you will get an apology.

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I am barren

I am 37 years old and I am barren. I thought that it wouldn’t matter. For I have one beautiful child. Some people are not so lucky. Some people can never have children. But if I’m honest with myself and honest with you I should have four children right now. But I have one child. One beautiful blonde haired blue-eyed child. I am lucky I should be happy with this. High-dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplant has left me barren. My womb shall remain empty for the rest of my life. Do I have your regrets? More I tell myself. Do I regret only having my one beautiful child? I do not know the answer. But I know that I am blessed. I am blessed with one beautiful blonde haired blue-eyed child. I am lucky. I should not think of regrets. They are pointless anyways. To think about them would be to go to Insanity. A dark place you cannot recover from. 37 years old and my time making children is through. I regret nothing I tell myself. But I don’t know if this is true. I should be happy. For I have my one beautiful child. She makes up for all the children that I have lost. I tell myself this yes. I tell myself this every day that yes my one beautiful child makes up for the loss of all the rest. I tell myself to believe this lie. For then it is not a lie. For then it is the truth. And the truth shall set you free. You Must Believe in the truth. Even if the truth is a lie. 37 years old and I cannot have anymore children. But I have my one beautiful child. My one beautiful girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. I shall live this lie until the day I die. For this life has become my truth. And the truth shall set me free.

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 good MRI

I recently had an MRI for my multiple sclerosis. I have had one every year or every other year for 20 years. For the first time I got back MRI results that are good. I have no new multiple sclerosis brain activity. I do have a few lesions that are little bit larger than my last MRI. But my last MRI was in 2014. So they are only bigger because I  haven’t gotten one for 3 years and the multiple sclerosis was getting worse until 2017 in December. So this scientifically proves that stem cells work! It has totally stopped the progression of my disease. If I had not gotten stem cell treatment I would have eventually be bedridden. But that’s what the pharmaceuticals companies want. That is why stem cells are not legal for Progressive multiple sclerosis in the United States. There are only a few doctors in America giving stem cells treatment for their illness. Stem cell treatment has a high risk for living your life. However, the ones that are giving out in America has had many fatalities. Going to Mexico for this treatment was the best thing I have ever done with my life. Having my daughter is the first thing. However , without stem cells I would not be able to get out of bed to be with her. She has already noticed that I am so much stronger and I am able to enjoy play with her. We play board games. Play with dolls. Play school. And it has made such a huge difference in my family’s life. Since before Christmas my daughter has been complaining, something that she calls frustrated feet My husband took her to he doctor and he reported that there was nothing physically wrong with her. I have all along thought that this was a frustrated mental thing. And that most of it was due to the fact that I wasn’t around to be her mother for the past two years. There is nothing better than seeing your child’s eyes light up just because you can play Connect 4 with her. She did the other night complain of frustrated feet and it showed that what I thought was the truth.  she didn’t understand what the results said.. She thought that it meant I’m not going to get any better. After we explained that mommy still probably will get even better I just have to wait for new neural Pathways to grow. Which can take years. But with a wonderful family ,and a positive attitude I have no lack of faith and I believe that one day I will walk with a cane again. You can’t even put into words how happy and excited I am with this news. Since I’ve been home for Mexico one year, my husband has not had to pick me up and put me on the bed. He also used to help me on and ooff the commode. He has not had to do this at all and we are getting older and his back couldn’t take it much longer. I also wear underwear now and not depends. Most people wouldn’t be willing to share this information. But what a miracle I have had I want to scream it to the world. I have faith that new neural Pathways will grow. I will have much more good recovery. I  names my daughter faith because I have so much faith in the joy to come and that she would be beautiful my one and only child.

My OBGYN 8 years ago told me it would be dangerous for me to carry a child as I would have a severe multiple sclerosis attack after. Unfortunately he was correct. When my daughter was only 5 months old I became paralyzed from the waist down she was so young at 5 months she did not remember I ever drove. That I ever could pick her up. And that I could not go do fun stuff with her outside because the air often made me sick and I would just get too worn out. She is such a sweet little girl and she has so much empathy her heart.

I am so blessed to have the friends and family I have. They have given me so much hope. Plus they’ve raised $54,000 for my treatment in Mexico. I still can’t walk. And I still often use a wheelchair out. But I really would be totally eventually paralyzed from the neck down. My disease was progressing so quickly this treatment was my only hope. I hope for all of you if you have multiple sclerosis or many other diseases you seek out treatment in another country. Because our country wants you to keep living off the pharmaceutical companies. I know for me I take many many pills everyday. I do take less since my stem cell treatment. I have just been on medication so long sometimes I start to ask myself if I even need them or people just want to make money. I can’t wait for new neural Pathways to grow. For the first time in a very long time I have so much hope for tomorrow. I just have so much joy that I know this disease isn’t going any further. Even if I don’t get any other good results just knowing that it’s stopped the progression makes it worth the money. Peace and love- Laurelin 🌻