I am barren

I am 37 years old and I am barren. I thought that it wouldn’t matter. For I have one beautiful child. Some people are not so lucky. Some people can never have children. But if I’m honest with myself and honest with you I should have four children right now. But I have one child. One beautiful blonde haired blue-eyed child. I am lucky I should be happy with this. High-dose chemotherapy and stem cell transplant has left me barren. My womb shall remain empty for the rest of my life. Do I have your regrets? More I tell myself. Do I regret only having my one beautiful child? I do not know the answer. But I know that I am blessed. I am blessed with one beautiful blonde haired blue-eyed child. I am lucky. I should not think of regrets. They are pointless anyways. To think about them would be to go to Insanity. A dark place you cannot recover from. 37 years old and my time making children is through. I regret nothing I tell myself. But I don’t know if this is true. I should be happy. For I have my one beautiful child. She makes up for all the children that I have lost. I tell myself this yes. I tell myself this every day that yes my one beautiful child makes up for the loss of all the rest. I tell myself to believe this lie. For then it is not a lie. For then it is the truth. And the truth shall set you free. You Must Believe in the truth. Even if the truth is a lie. 37 years old and I cannot have anymore children. But I have my one beautiful child. My one beautiful girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. I shall live this lie until the day I die. For this life has become my truth. And the truth shall set me free.

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