Sitting alone. Ever alone. Staring out into that endless void of contemplation. Knowing that you are completely helpless alone. Ever alone. And being one with the loneliness, leaves you to sit in this shell of emptiness, ever reaching, ever hoping, never knowing.

Thoughts stretch out across the infinit chasm that is your mind. Wondering if in this forever state of Solitude, if others have traveled into the realm of the same loneliness, and if so, are we truly ever alone?

One cannot help but dwell upon this narcissistic need to have thoughts that are completely of One’s Own doing. But if every thought has been thought before, one can never truly be alone, even amidst the empty loneliness that is your room. Your contemplation begins maddeningly to unravel. In the simplest sense, I think therefore I am, can never be achieved, knowing that the thought has been thought by someone else.

Sitting alone. Ever alone. Now drawing upon the conclusion that one is never truly alone, if one’s thoughts have been thought before, you realize the loneliness you feel has been perfected by so many. Stretching deep into that bottomless void you can never achieve the contemplation you desire. Knowing that your thoughts are not your own, knowing that I think therefore I am, has been found to be invalid, do you continue contemplating?

Or do you cease, give up, finding there to be no point even to put your words down on paper. You are left with an emptiness like you have never felt before. And you realize that you are truly, alone. Ever alone.

https://laurelinobrien.com/2021/06/07/everything-i-know-i-got-wrong/

I am 41 years old. I love education. I love history, English, mathematics, you name it if it was education, I loved it.

This year I recently learned about the Tulsa Massacre. How did I not know about this? Why was it not in my history book? I understand history can be embarrassing. Slavery is pretty embarrassing, but I still learned about it oh, now I am beginning to question everything I ever learned.

I know I learned the battles of the Civil War different from students that live in the southern states. They choose to name them after creeks, but Northerners like to name them after fort or towns. Doesn’t make them different battles. Sherman’s marching to the sea no matter what you called the battles. But at least we learned about them.

The Tulsa Massacre happened in 1921. That is 59 years before I was born. And I know more about the Civil War. My white Anglo-Saxon Protestant brain is deeply troubled by this.

What else did I get wrong? By occupation I am an English teacher. I learned all about William Shakespeare. I am classically trained. Yet, today we question who William Shakespeare was! How much of what he wrote in Henry the fourth was truly fiction? How much did Socrates and Plato actually know? When I read Plato my favorite was allegory of the cave. What if someone else wrote it and he took credit?

Yes, I know probably not. But because I just learned about the Tulsa Massacre now I question everything. And I don’t want to question everything. I have always relied on my education to get me through anything. I have never doubted it. Greenwood in Tulsa Oklahoma has ruined that for me.

As a teacher, I would never lie to my students. But how do I know the facts I am teaching them are the truth?

Well, it is official, WordPress family and blog in poetry followers, I am 41 and over the hill. And I’ve never been happier about it. As you know, I am on borrowed time. Felt like that ever since I was on life support a few years back. But this is what I have learned today,

I love my family so much. The best present I could ever have I already got! At Mother’s Day dinner, it was so nice to be able to hug everyone. Because we are all vaccinated now! You don’t realize how much you need a hug, until you’re not allowed to hug your family because of a pandemic.

Today has also told me that I am not young anymore. I wake and bake this morning. Man, I’m not young anymore. I don’t like this feeling in the morning. Luckily I am writing in this now as it is wearing off. But hey, I’m a New Yorker, and I can talk to you about this because it is legal now ☺️ still feels weird to me. How about all of you? This is probably how they felt when alcohol prohibition ended. You still feel like you need to sneak around even though you don’t need to. It is weird

So what can I tell you also about my 41st birthday, my husband and I did not want to mention it, but it seems like I’m a little stronger. Maybe some new neural pathways are growing years after stem cell transplant! I don’t know, I am just grateful. Any little bit of strength I can get I am grateful for. I await the results of my MRI, hopefully no news will be good news.

Happy May 10th 2021, friends! I think we might be coming out of this pandemic. Thanks for sharing another birthday with me, what is my birthday wish? Well I have everything that I want, so I will make an environmental wish. Let’s all plant a lot of flowers for the bees this year! We may have found a way to come out of this pandemic, but the murder Hornets are another story….

https://laurelinobrien.com/2021/04/20/happy-420/