Scrambled eggs

I knew that high-dose chemotherapy could cause infertility. I was not aware until today that stem cell transplants also cause infertility. And if your over the age of 35 chances are you are sterile if you’ve had both. I don’t know how I feel about this information. A part of me feels really. A part of me is sad. Not because I want to have another child. Because knowing that I can’t have one kind of makes you feel like a defective woman. And the busily slim chance I did get pregnant. My eggs are now scrambled. A child would have genetic de formalities . With the progression of my multiple sclerosis. A child would not make sense to have in my life anyways. I am so blessed and lucky to have the one I have. And doctors told me not to have her because I would have a huge multiple sclerosis attack. Which I did have. But my gorgeous daughter was worth it. It is strange to look in the mirror and still see a youthful face. And a youthful body. But now they working woman’s body anymore. So it is okay. We have to take the good with the bad. Stem cells were a success. Chemotherapy was a success. And I have to look at what I have done so far as a success. It still feels very strange to me. But that is just the way life is. We take the cards we are dealt and we play the hand out. We don’t fold ever. Even if you don’t even have one pair. Bluff. Even if on the very slim chance I have another menstrual cycle it probably would not have a egg. And if it did that egg is scrambled. I will never take my child for granted. It just makes her even more important to me. Even more of a blessing than I already knew I had. I have been through a lot in my life. I will get through this just like I get through everything. With a smile on my face. With the knowledge of knowing I did the right thing. Never second-guess your gut feelings. I got told me that chemotherapy made me sterile. I did not know that stem cells also can cause infertility. But I say it again. It is okay. It is okay to feel a sense of loss. Sometimes you just have to feel the feelings and let them fade away. Or in this case write a blog about it. I am so very blessed in so many ways. They may not ever have another child but I may have working legs again. So take the good with the bad my friends. Know in your heart that you have made all the right decisions. Know in your heart that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we have to take a giant leap in life. I took a giant leap. A giant leap of faith. There is a reason I named my daughter that. I have faith. I have faith that everything is going to work out the way it is meant to. And if I feel lonely and blue I will get another cat. Because a cat Will Never Let You Down. As I write this I have a cat in my lap. Softly sleeping. And letting me know it will all work out. As the saying goes you have to break a lot of eggs to make an omelet. There are no more omelets for me to make. That’s okay. Life is funny that way. It takes you down roads you never expected to go down. At the end of the road is a rainbow.

Peace and love Laurelin🌻


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