Christmas alone without family

Blowes. It does it just simply blows. Yes I am here to get stem cells but I will not see any true results for about a year. Until then it is like being on a roller coaster. I have very good days like I did yesterday. And they have extremely bad days where I’m below Baseline like I did today. I miss my daughter I miss my cats I miss my home. I miss my state of New York even though it’s extremely cold there right now. You should be happy it’s 70 some 

Degrees here. Where I live it’s snowing and freezing and causes my multiple sclerosis to flare up. But then I’m not happy. It blows. How can you be happy on the holiday this meant for family and friends and presents and a Christmas tree when you have none of those. I do have my husband here as a caregiver. And I have to be grateful for that. And I have to be grateful that this is my last chance at perhaps having a better life. And I have to be grateful that I’m still alive. That I have a home to come home to. That I have a daughter and family to come home to. Well now I just feel like an asshole after writing all of that. But it’s still a very unnerving unsettling feeling. To be happy and yet miserable at the same time. I am usually a very upbeat person. I love Humanity I love everyone and I never show hatred. But I hate being away from my loved ones. But I love the chance to perhaps improve my life and their lives. It is a conundrum. It is a total oxymoron. I do not know how I am supposed to feel. All I know is on the other side of the country it’s not Christmas anymore. So I will pretend I’m there. I will pretend it’s a year from now and I can walk. I will pretend that all of this hell I have lived for the last 18 years will be worth something. I will pretend that I will be a teacher again. And I will go on as I always do with hope in my heart and love for Humanity. 4 is that not all we can do? We just have to Keep On Truckin. So that’s what I will do Keep On Truckin. And not to be cliche but the Grateful Dead suck. I just like the line Keep On Truckin. so do to you on this Christmas Day. May peace and love be with you and guide your heart. And allow yourself to remember that sometimes it just blows.

Peace and love Laurelin 

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