The best

Do you know that song, anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything better than you. No you can’t. Yes I can… Excetera excetera excetera

I feel the exact opposite today. I cannot do anything you can do. I will never walk again with a cane. I am lucky just to be walking with a walker around my house. And I am also grateful. And I should be all so grateful. But sometimes… I am not that grateful. I am just jealous. I am jealous of you. I don’t even know you, but I am jealous of you.

In life, you should strive to be the best you you can be. But what if the best you, is a disabled woman who is lucky to have healthy arms. I can’t be the best me when I don’t have legs that work. And I’m deeply struggling with having gratitude in my attitude. Which is really strange for me, because I am an extremely positive person! You truly don’t get much happier than me. Until today. Why can’t I make this jealousy go away?

I know, I know, someone always has it worse. Someone out there is struggling with serious issues. I know, I know, so why am I feeling this terrible Green Monster?! Life is, what it is, and I just have to accept that. I have always struggled with acceptance. Especially when it comes to my disability. Because all any of us really want, is to be like everyone else. It’s funny, when you are a teenager, all you want is to be different. To stand out from the crowd. At my age now, all I want is to be like everyone else.

But I’m not like everyone else. I am in a wheelchair. And apparently, that alone should make me happy. I am alive. I am relatively safe and happy and healthy. But I have so much jealousy and frustration in my heart right now oh, and I simply don’t know what to do with it.

This is a completely pointless blog. I am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself. And putting it out into the void. Into that vast space of nothingness. Hoping that it will mean something. Knowing that it will not. What do you do when you have days like this? Do you sit and feel sorry for yourself? Do you Ponder? Or do you go on WordPress and write it down, hoping that just perhaps for a second things will be all right.

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