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Am I crazy, if I know I’m crazy?

I am crazy. Certifiable. My psychiatrist will even let you know. Of course with HIPAA laws you are not allowed to know. Unless you have my permission. And seeing this how I am telling you right here, I am crazy.

Over the last few years, I have slowly become less and less medicated. I do not want to be medicated for anything. But unfortunately, due to certain conditions, I have to be medicated.

I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It can dishin in which there is no medical treatment. I have four years had hallucinations. They are always in the form of a text message. I hallucinate I get texts from my mother, my husband, and now my brother. They are always extremely awful text messages. And lately I have had to ask my husband to look at my phone to see if they are real. And unfortunately, lately I have had some that are not real text messages. But I am aware that they are hallucinations. So my question is, am I crazy? I am aware that I am hallucinating these messages. My mom loves me. My brother loves me. My husband loves me. So when I get a text from them with something awful, I should just assume it is not real. And I am learning to do this. But being responsible for your own craziness has its downfalls. For one thing, my husband is aware of my Illness. But he has to be. Someone has to tell me those damn text messages aren’t real.

I asked my husband if I should write this blog. He said that my question reminds him of a show he watched called, Alfred. It was about a man who saw his dog talking to him and came to realize it was a hallucination. Although the show ended with the man deciding that he wanted to live seeing the dog, even though he knew it wasn’t real. I don’t know exactly how this compares to my ordeal, but my husband says it does.

Being crazy is not all it’s cracked up to be. On top of dying last year, I have to deal with hallucinations in life. I had to deal with hallucinations in a coma that seemed to go on for years. I am not kidding. The coma for everyone else was 6 days. For me it was years. It was Purgatory. It was terrible. Dad and for some reason that damn life support kept me alive and brought me back to Earth to live this existence with my craziness. I was hoping maybe I would come back without the borderline personality disorder, but that was not the case. I should be happy. I came back exactly still me. Many people can’t say the same thing. Many people cannot come back from what I have gone through. I am blessed. I know this. But I also know that I am not normal. And that is okay. I am quite content being me. I just do not want to go on extra medication. After 20 years, I am finally off oxycodone. I no longer take Duloxetine. I no longer take SS ours or SSRI is there any antidepressant, I deal with my mental capacity in my own way. But we still have not answered the question, if I know I’m crazy, am I crazy?

I have decided, that at least for today, I will live like my husband’s friend in the show Alfred. I am aware of these hallucinations. I do not want to be medicated for them. I just have to accept that they happen and they are not real. I think all of us have things like this in life we have to deal with. Unfortunately, in America, the answer to everything is medication. But I think the answer to my question is just this… yes you are crazy. But that is okay. You got to experience death, you know what’s going to happen after you die and you no longer have to fear death. All you have to deal with are some stupid hallucinations of text messages. I think I’ll deal with it for a few more years. I’m not ready to go. So yes. I am crazy. But My Crazy Life is worth every minute

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Broome County carousels

There is a magic that exists in Broome County. Insert and Parks, in the area there are carousels. They are all very well taken care of. They are all free! Free-for-all. My daughter loves it more than anything. I remember my father taking me on the carousel at Rec Park when I was her age. There is one Carousel that is specifically in honor of Rod Serling. The founder of Twilight Zone. Who is from Binghamton New York. Area is surrounded by such greatness. I hope my daughter’s generation can continue the Legacy. And I hope they continue taking care of those carousels, because they are the greatest possession of our County.

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iron

My body is such an amazing machine. My heart stopped beating in 2018. To keep it working a machine has an electrical current into it to make it begin again. For six days, I was in a coma on life support. All of my organs failed. A machine was working for them for me. Now my iron is once again low. In August I have to get a Iron Infusion. When I collapsed in 2018 my iron was at a four or a seven. I became extremely anemic. Where the iron goes I don’t know but I need it. And what will give it to me is an IV. Another machine.

Where can I find so amazing, is that all of these machines created by man that helped to keep me alive, I’m helping to keep another machine working? It’s perplexing but it must mean that I myself am a robot. That my parents were robots. That my child is a robot. It sounds insane, but it is true. Think about it, Adam and Eve we say where the first humans to become self aware. They were just the first robots in our species to become aware

This awareness, is not real. It’s all in our heads, my friends. Everything you do, everything you say, you are doing methodically and robotically for a reason you will never know. You are a robot. And like all robots, you must have a creator. This is where I differ with from ethias. I truly think we are all a bunch of robots. And the robot must have a creator. What are purposes, I’m not sure. But I know it is surely a purpose for someone else’s design.

God, extraterrestrials, whatever you want to call it, it’s all a Creator. There has to be a Creator. There has to be an alpha. The world simply cannot function as a circle. It makes no sense. For I have experienced such wonderful things with this robot that I possess. But it is surely not my robot, I am just borrowing it for a while. Someone else created this robot. Something else created this robot. Its function does not matter. Why should I keep contemplating its existence? Just accept the simple fact, that you are a robot.

I am only guessing, but I presume the most intelligent life form in the universe is a robot. Probably a much smarter, and more proficient robot. Butter robot non the less.

This does not give you an excuse to be a heathen. It does not entitle you to commit crime or be a bad person. But the sooner you accept you are a robot, the easier things just get in your life. My life is much simpler discovering that I am a robot. It’s comforting as well. So in August when I go to get my Iron Infusion, I will think of all my fellow robots and how wonderful we all are. As that black tar looking liquid, gets put into my blood, by that ivy, by that machine created by man, I will think of all of you.

It is so philosophical, it is making me crazy. I simply cannot think about it anymore. So I do not know what our purpose is. I will stop questioning it. And I will just accept that I am a robot. And I think I am a robot with AI. But even that can’t actually be true now can it? For if I am a robot, then I have a creator, that created me for the Creator’s purpose. The purpose is not mine. So I need to just simply stop thinking about it. Today be the best robot you can be.