At the mercy of others

No means no unless you change your mind. But sometimes no means yes. Sometimes yes means Maybe. In my house these words are true unless you are me. If you are me then your words don’t mean anything at all. Because you cannot function on your own. I cannot drive. I cannot walk. I cannot have any independence of my own for I am truly always stuck at the mercy of others. In 2018 I died twice. My heart stopped beating twice and I had CPR preformed on me twice and the hospital I first went to Lourdes Hospital worked on me for 10 minutes. I am told today you don’t work on anyone for that long once your heart stops. I don’t know if I am lock key or if they just felt bad for me because I am so young. That is supposed to be lucky not lucky by even now I am at the mercy of a voice application so you have to forgive me if anything gets written in wrong. I don’t understand why God decided to bring me back to life only to have me suffer the same way I did before. At the mercy of everyone else. My will not be done but will be done depending on other people’s well. Apparently God feels that people need to exist in the world like Me Maybe to make people appreciate what they have. But I don’t think that is the case. I think people just feel sorry for me. And I don’t want people to feel sorry or pity me. For I am a very educated woman. I have a dual bachelor degree in English and secondary education. I am not just some dumb broad. But I feel like I am a loser No means no unless you change your mind. But sometimes no means yes. Sometimes yes means maybe. In my house these words are true unless you are me. If you are me than your words don’t mean anything at all. Because you cannot function on your own. I cannot drive. I cannot walk. I cannot have any independence of my own for I am truly always stuck at the mercy of others. In 2018 I died twice. My heart stopped beating twice and I had CPR pre formed on me twice and the hospital I first want to Lourdes Hospital worked on me for 10 minutes. I am told today you don’t work on anyone for that long wants your heart stops. I don’t know if I am lucky or if they just felt bad for me because I am so young. That is supposed to be lucky not lock key by even now I am at the mercy of a voice application so you have to forgive me if anything gets written wrong. I don’t understand why God decided to bring me back to life only to have me suffer the same way I did before. At the mercy of everyone else. My will not be done but will be done depending on other people’s well. Apparently dad feels that people need to exist in the world like me maybe to make people appreciate what they have. But I don’t think that is the case. I think people just feel sorry for me. And I don’t want people to feel sorry or Petty me. For I am a very educated woman. I have a dual bachelor’s degree in English and secondary education. I am not just some dumb broad. But I feel like I am a loser. I feel like my words don’t matter. I feel like no is always whatever that person wants it to be. If I say no and the person wants to me beats then they just make it or maybe. This blog is all messed up. I see one spot where it says my dad and I don’t know why because I’m in no way talking or thinking about my father but my voice application must of messed up somewhere. See I can’t even get my own blog to do what I want. So no is yes today and yes is Maybe. And maybe always has the chance of turning into a no. I don’t really have a say in anything. My heart stopping being proved that to me. Having my kidneys stop working for a month or so also helped in that I never want to be on dialysis again and I do so appreciate those kidneys. I asked so appreciate swallowing. I had to learn to swallow all over again and boy it really sucks when you can’t eat or drink anything except for what they stick through a tube. At one point I had a tube in my stomach and they would just stick this match looking stuff into my stomach dad smash Mash there we go stupid voice app they would stick whatever into my stomach and I would feel full but it was pretty disgusting. I guess I’m just going to have to live my whole life at the mercy of others. And between you and me it is a lot of bullshit. I am 38 years old and I am quite a lovely lady. I’m kind I’m good luck in I’m an educated and I am pure shit out of luck. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Why can’t I stop myself from wandering this giant mystery of life that I know I will never get answered because I’ve been dead. When trust me there was nothing beautiful after death it was just nothing. I hope there is something greater in the Beyond because right now just really sucks. Thanks for listening to my mind ramble I just needed to. Not that anyone is reading this. But I am as I write it and at least that is worth something. this blog is all messed up. I see one spot where it says my dad and I don’t know why because I’m in no way talking or thinking about my father but my voice application must have messed up somewhere. See I can’t even get my own blog to do what I want. So no as yesterday and yes is maybe. And maybe always has the chance of turning into a no. I don’t really have a say in anything. My heart stopping meaning proved that to me. Having my kidneys stopped working for a month or so also health in that I never want to be on dialysis again and I do so appreciate those kidneys. I also appreciate swallowing. I had to learn to swallow all over again and boy it really sucks when you can’t eat or drink anything except for what they stick through a tube. At one point I had a tube in my stomach and they would just stick this mess looking stuff into my stomach that smash match there we go stupid voice app they would stick whatever into my stomach and I would feel full but it was pretty disgusting. I guess I’m just going to have to live my whole life at the mercy of others. And between you and me it is a lot of bullshit. I am 38 years old and I am quite a lovely lady. I’m kind I’m good luck in I’m adjectives and I am pure shit out of luck. Why am I here? Why are any of us here? Why can I stop myself from wondering this giant mystery of life that I know I will never get answered because I’ve been dead. Wouldn’t trust me there was nothing beautiful after death it was just nothing. I hope there is something greater in the Beyond because right now just really sucks. Thanks for listening to my mind ramble I just needed to. Not that anyone is reading this. But I am as I write it and it least that is worth something. Peace and love me

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