Most of you know my battle with addiction and alcohol to just about every substance out there. And how I was blessed to overcome these problems and live to battle a even tougher battle with multiple sclerosis.

These two battles only differ in one way. Pain. There is always great pain with my multiple sclerosis. But I’ll be honest with you most of my memories of being an addict in screwed up in that parties are fun memories

In 1998 on my birthday I turned 18 years old. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. And I told him I had multiple sclerosis in the parking lot of the Endicott McDonald’s. I remember us both crying and both clinging to each other as we both did not know what multiple sclerosis was. I have been tripping on LSD with him on and off for three months. So when I begin to go blind I thought it was from LSD and did not tell anyone. When I finally did it was discovered through a spinal tap that I had multiple sclerosis.

 I started partying with my first boyfriend ,Chris ,whom I respect and have written about before. When you’re young drinking, and smoking a little pot , tripping once in a while on LSD or mushrooms, and doing a little ecstasy  going to a rave is no big deal. Wow.  Now that I think about it how did all of us end up with good educations in good jobs?  Anyways, one of these times, before I broke up with Chris, we went to a man’s house named Joe. Joe was living at his parents house that was being sold, and it was basically the craziest party house you will have ever seen. This would have been the year 2000 .  Right when the crazy mess first began.  My ex Chris decided to move away to Maryland, but not before he introduced me to ecstasy. Which I swore I would never do but he had done and thought it would bring us closer together. Unfortunately it did not work, and he has a wonderful life now.  And all of my old friends have great lives too.Joe is very important to the story so remember his name.

 I also went to college. But could not accept the fact that I had multiple sclerosis. Unlike my old friends I continue to self medicate. And I went to at least three raves  a week. I had a wonderful male college roommate named ,Joel who witnessed my madness. I also was a full-blown cocaine-addicted to Rave parties. and good acquaintances with Joe and he became my pot dealer. My old roommate, I’m sure still remembers him. I so wish I could go back in time and stay living in that apartment with Joel. If I had stayed there, there is no way he would have let my next boyfriend beat the hell out of me. And I’m sure he remembers Richard  Lance and his wonderful cousin Travis. Because of Richard, Joel kicked me out of my apartment and I sadly moved into a really depressing tiny apartment ,with Richard behind my mother’s back. Of course, after a while the memories get dark. They turn to things you never thought you would ever find yourself doing. It leads you down roads you didn’t know existed. We went to a rave in Syracuse and had a foursome With these four people that I don’t even remember their names. The man was someone that I had preyed upon because I knew he had money and would keep us under the influence of ecstasy longer. we then met a girl named Trinity and the four of us hair day for some for days. Trinity finally got sick of us and kicked the three of us out of her house. Not before I saw Richard suck the dick of the other man .we then went to a hotel room where the three of us did more ecstasy and I fell asleep .  The two of them went to another rave wear a famous DJ named Richard Humpty vission was playing. I walk and they were gone and I was pissed they did not tell me.  So I looked all around the hotel room and I found his stash of pills. Then I proceeded to take half of them. when they returned they brought a pretty girl with them and two other guys .  then it turned into an orgy .  I do not have much memory of this except that it was terrible and I felt like I was being taken advantage of. this time this was the first time this feeling has appeared to me . 

Two weeks later we went to another Rave in  Syracuse or Rochester where I was given the date rape drug also called roofies.  I have no memory of this day except I lost my brand new glasses .  I was pretty beat up.  And my friends said they had been looking for me all night.  Including my friend Chris who happened to be the neighbor of my ex-boyfriend Chris .  He stayed in my group of friends for a long time . I do not know if he got sober but I know I did not .  Things just got worse and worse .  Richard Lance was beating me almost everyday .  My drug dealer Joe was the only one who wanted to beat the shit out of him but I begged him not to. By now all of my friends were drug addicts. I tried going to my old college roommate and telling him but I don’t even think he either believed me or cared. I had put him through too much and he just could not take enough anymore. Slept with his best friend on our couch and I also slept with him. I guess you could say I was a bit promiscuous. But I can honestly say looking back I was a beauty. I could have used this beauty for such better things then thinking I was taking advantage of men. When really all of them took advantage of me. Not only was I kicked out of the apartment for dating Richard my roommate had got into DWIs and could not get his teacher certificate. And I think it pissed him off that I skipped school, and ran around and went to all these raves, and did all these drugs, and I graduated and got my teaching certificate.

Worst of all, is all these chemicals that you think are fun, it brings you to death. My first experience with losing a loved one to addiction was when I was 21 years old. I had a roommate, slash boyfriend who was my boyfriend’s cousin who was killed over his PlayStation 2. I know that didn’t make much sense ,but to put it this way ;my boyfriend went to jail and my other boyfriend ,his cousin was killed over a PlayStation 2. And yes, they both knew I was dating them both. A crack dealer wanted to borrow it, to of course Pawn it for money ,and murdered him over it and left his body in his apartment covered with boxes and dirty clothes. His mother desperately asked me that help look for him. I did help and twice I went to his apartment and was inside it with his dead body without knowing this. It. The last time I went searching for him on Crandall Street in Binghamton New York ,I went to his front door and I smelled this smell that I cannot and won’t ever be able to describe in my life. It was the smell of death. And the Deep inner voice told me to not go inside his apartment. A few hours later his body was found. The man who had killed him had earlier days ago spoken with me, and told me if he sees him he will make sure to give me a call. The day of Travis’s death, he came to me and in a dream.  He was sitting at a  table with an older gentleman drinking Java. He always called coffee Java.  And I knew he was in heaven and I knew he was safe. His cousin ,who was at the time my main boyfriend in jail for stealing my car .which I of course did not press charges for. Though he had warrants for his arrest and was arrested anyways, so he was in jail at the time of his death. This experience actually helped me get away from his cousin named Richard Lance, who was a terrible Evil Woman beater and forever Criminal. In fact he is in jail right now. I know because I check every now and then to see if he is. And sure enough he’s in jail right now for some petty burglary he committed while drunk. We went to a rave on Valentine’s Day.  We got in an argument and I walked out. a man saw me walking by and asked if I wanted the a ride . a full list we got in the car and went to his house .  I commented on how his daughter in a picture looked like me. I think he realized that I was not a prostitute and asked me if I wanted a ride back. I could have been murdered for God’s sake. Then Richard and I went back to my apartment and he choked me almost to death on Valentine’s Day 2001. I of course, like a fool did not press charges. He did windup in jail and his cousin who I love dearly ended up staying with me on and off. His cousin, Travis, was killed then. Killed.over a PlayStation that he loved dearly. one of the last things he said to me was ;that he hated himself for not protecting me against Richard when he gave me a black eye. Richard was twice the size of Travis and there’s nothing Travis could have done but he was such a dear kind soul. I thought at age 22,I had seen enough in the world for a lifetime. Already a man that I was intimate with had been killed. Another one was this serious criminal and in jail.After Travis’s  funeral I went home with two of his friends to remember Travis by drinking .  This was a very bad idea as I was taking very badly advantage of and I am not going to write about it , okay this is an honest memoir, I was raped,I believe this would make the third time?. So I did the most intelligent thing,  and I started doing more designer drugs with a different crowd. Later, Here I’m at my friend ,and in walks my later boyfriend, Joe. He was a marijuana drug dealer. Like most, he started small and got bigger and bigger at it. We began dating. I don’t even remember the day sometime in like 2002. It was a very tramaltiris on and off relationship that was very deep with love and hate. We were very big into the underground Rave scene and I don’t have a lot of memories of these years due to  chemicals. I know a lot of bad things happen to me. And I saw a lot of bad things happen to other people. I was drug running, my boyfriend Joe and I went to New York City to pickup pounds, my friends were cooking Special K, which also Made drives to New York City to pick up Licks of Kedamine. This is an animal tranquilizer in liquid form that we would use to cook up what we called Special K. My life was pretty out of control and in 2004 I went missing for 5 days and I was really at a crack house doing cocaine. My mother almost got the police. She somehow got Joe’s number and called him and he brought her to the crack house. He would not let her go inside. But I remember him coming in the door and beating a Black cocaine dealer to get to me, while I was in the bedroom with another man. He picked me up and carried me to my mother’s car. He then went home to my mother’s house and stayed with me to make sure I would be okay. This was the last good memory I have of Joe. I moved on to bigger and better boyfriends, being a crackhead named Tom . Tim was 36 years old and I was 23 years old. he is now with an older woman who has a daughter the same age as I was when we started dating. I doubt his now girlfriend knows but that scares the shit out of me as I see him as sort of a pedophile. Joe and  I never stop having a intimate relationship ,however. He and I stayed physically intimate 4 years,the entire time I was dating Tom. the great boyfriend that taught me how to turn cocaine into crack. I also slept with two of his close friends behind his back . I thought I was just so cool and could get away with anything . I am not proud to say that I was a very promiscuous person in my early twenties. Joe was my one constant through it all. He always knew who I was sleeping with and he always didn’t seem to care. On three separate occasions he in fact took to me up with three men and I’m pretty sure, he got some money for it in fact. I would never say that I was a prostitute. But I still can’t say I’ve never had sex not for money or drugs ,because I have. At first with the gel it was almost a game. And I didn’t mind him getting money for hooking me up with cute drug dealers and young guys. This entire time I was dating the crackhead named Tom and as long as I gave him 10,20 bucks so that he could support his habit ,he didn’t care where the money came from. And it always came from other men. This was because Joe finally introduced me to an old man, also named Richard, and I said no. He was 62 years old. What had started out as a game had become like a pimp and a prostitute situation. However, I was a smart drug addict, and I got the best of them both. I called Joe out of the equation, and began on  dating Richard the 62 year old. The entire time I was still dating the crackhead, and supporting the crack head, with the 62 year olds money. And at the same time, I was still being intimate with my old lover Joe. Tom would introduce me to his crackhead friends and behind his back I would start seeing them. You see Tom was 36 years old and I was 23. And all of his friends were around 40. And here comes this cute little thing, who pretends she knows nothing about anything ,and I ended up ripping off half of them and yes, being intimate with a lot of them. And still the crackhead was unaware.Crack Really does kill guys. Either that or it makes you really stupid. My life had spun out of control. My multiple sclerosis symptoms were beginning to flare up. I needed a way out. And God brought me one in the form of a flood in 2007. Tell him in my apartment was completely flooded and I had to move back home to my mother. It did not take her long to see the condition that I was in and basically told me go to rehab or go live under a bridge. Thank God I chose to go to rehab. But this story does not end there. My strange relationship continued with Joe as I tried to get him sober as I was Finding sobriety. This did not work. And two years later he OD’d and was yet another intimate boyfriend that I had,  that went to happen.death Just kept following me. I found out later that old man Rich was a convicted pedophile. And had served two years in prison for it I had used this man for drugs and money for two years and find out and found out he had really been using me. He also has passed away leaving again another trail of death surrounding me. By 2007 I was sober and madly in love with my now husband. My husband had to tell Joe to go away from me on the phone, and that was the last time I spoke with him. Although ,Joe was out of my life, I thought about him all of the time. he messed up but he he did save my life one time . And he was the longest relationship I ever had with a man, except my husband. We had a messed up I love you ,I hate you, I’m a pimp, I’m a prostitute, I’m using you, I’m drug-dealing for you, I’m stealing from you -relationship. In 2009 in the month of October I had a beautiful dream about Joe. He came to me and walked over this beautiful hill, and we were at this Creek ,where was the first place we ever dated and words were said and I can’t even share it; it was so beautiful other dream and I awoke immediately wanting to call him. I did not. I found out in January, that you overdosed on the day I had that dream. I know he was visiting me from heaven. Just ask Travis did when he died.