The pain in writing a memoir

I have always known that some day I would write a memoir. Since I was even 14 years old people have told me your life sounds like a book.  I’ve been told this throughout my life until right now. And for a few years I have wanted to write one. I have decided to begin the Journey of writing one. I have written some of the beginning of my life, when I lived in Tennessee with no running water or electricity., and what I remember of my parents still being married. My Memoir but mostly of course,will  be about my journey with multiple sclerosis. And my first symptoms of multiple sclerosis began in kindergarten. And I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis on my 18th birthday. So I’ve written the first four years of my life. Now I am writing the part of my life that is hard. From May 10th nineteen 98 until now. My last nine years have been wonderful as I’ve been married to a great man with a beautiful daughter. Although, life has been very painful ,as my multiple sclerosis has been very bad. But those are the easy years to write about. It is 1998 to the Year 2007 that is very difficult for me to not only recall but to write about. I began writing about it and I’ve gotten up until my first three years of college. I can’t seem to get any further because there are always tears in my eyes. As many of you know I suffer from addiction. I self-medicated my multiple sclerosis by being the biggest drug addict I could be. I have gone down paths that no one in the world could imagine other than in the book. I have seen things, and had things done  to me, that people could only imagine in a book. It will make an amazing book. It will be an amazing journey. It would be something people would love and enjoy to read. But remembering those years are tough to write about. I have personally blocked out so many memories. Memories that even now I can’t tell you because they are so graphic they cannot be told until my book is written. I have been to Skid Row and Back Again. I have done and created more drugs than imaginable. I love watching Breaking Bad because he reminds me of myself. That is very narcissistic of me to say, but it is the truth! If you only knew the things I have done and seen. But it is so hard to write about. So many awful things have happened to me. I have done so many awful things to people. Thank God for this statue of limitations. Because I have broken so many felonies there is no way I could give you a number. It is painful to remember our past. And I learned in AA  you should never turn the door on your past but don’t stare at it. Writing this Memoir is making me stare at it. For all those reading this that knew me in those years I apologize. Because I know in some way I probably hurt you. Probably lied to you. Probably took advantage of you. Or for those of you reading this that did the same to me, how dare you. I will at some point published that part of my mom work when are we can get past my tears. I will of course change many people’s names. However ,some people’s I will put their full names because they are criminals in prison. I hope all of you have learned lessons from your past. God knows that I have. I hope whenever I finish my Memoir you enjoyed reading it. And even more than that, I hope someone publishes it LOL until then live every day with peace and love and joy ,and remember to not stare at your past, but don’t close the door on it.


Peace and love Laurelin 

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